Official Days without U - Day 34

  Hi Dear, I understand that even though we may not be keeping in contact anymore, but perhaps in time to come, u might still come to this blog one fine day and get some updates on my current life. I still hope to get your understanding and seek your forgiveness in future.

  I have been coming into Propnex office till late other than on nights whereby I have my accounting lectures, which happened to be tomorrow night. Ever since I got my property license on 18th Jan Fri, I have been updating myself with the current property rules and cooling measures to get myself better equipped for the property market. Simon has created a GTA in west side area targeting Jurong, Choa Chu Kang and Hillview with 2 other members who are much more experienced in the industry. So I will be hoping to pick up as much as I can and learn from them as well. I have been trying my hand at cold calling and telemarketing last fri night for blk 240 and 248 which are near my place. Not much luck except plenty of slamming down of voices and angry occupants telling me not to call anymore. Whatever the case, I will be trying to call again tonight for other blocks.

  I just designed my new flyer to be distrubuted around my Jurong area. Hope to pick up some leads along the way as well. I just gotten approval from the office to distribute, sending to printing company and will get the flyers by this friday. I attached a copy of the flyer for u to see. What do u think?

  Guess you must be busy planning for your precious's birthday party this wed, or u have already done a party for her over the weekend? Whatever it is, hope both of you enjoy urself. I sent a birthday card to your address for her. Hope she like it.

Sorry for my Unintentional Hurt

  Not sure if you still have the occasional habit of coming to this blog and read what I have to say anymore. First of all, truly sorry for any hurt I may have brought to u by my "honest" lies. Knowing how your relationship with Derrick had previously evolved and how you hated and feared some of the things he did in the past, I chose not to disclose and put certain things away from you. Instead I chose to solve certain issues on my own without making you worry. Pls trust that it was never the intentional hurt I may have brought upon u.

  Another thing I would like to clarify is at no time did I compromise nor disclose any of your details or contacts to undesirable people. I have no idea how your contact was leaked to them in the first place, but I have made known to this person that in no way is he to contact u and put u under any form of distress. I will be settling my full outstanding amount with them by end of this week after I get my salary from the school. As for the rest, I will clear all with them before CNY....

  I believe you will not be interested to keep in contact with me any more. I dun blame you for that. But I hope that over time, after all my issues have been resolved and u are able to slowly forgive me, we can still catch up with each other. Despite all that has happened, you are still the one I care for and deeply feel for. I dun wish to lose you but I believe the ball is no longer in my court. Give me some time to resolve my issues and be an honest person to u. All the best to you. Really hope and pray for you and Wydia.

   I will still update my thoughts and feelings, as well as my livelihood here. I hope I will get my license renewed by CEA within next 2 weeks and will get myself heavily involved in rentals and resale for this period of time first.

  God bless and take care Dear.....

When we dun communicate anymore.....

   I realised that I have not updated my blog for almost a month, and I probably have to say sorry to this "blog" for only updating when something happened to our relationship. And perhaps also sorry to u. In the course of our relationship, and in the course of our communication, I admit there have been some thoughts and feelings I did not say to u upfront. Many a times, I would think about what is the best way to bring out something to u without provoking you. Along the way, I have to take care of your fragile temper and temperament. I may not be a perfect person, and I do have a lot of shortcomings. But the bottomline is, I care and love u a lot. My communication skills may not be tip-top, but I try my best to communicate across to u.

  I did some soul searching for the past 2 days. This is my point of view. As we developed further into the relationship, intense feelings and actions, such as love and intimacy are part and parcel of a normal relationship. Through the course of all my previous relationships, including the one I had with Dawn, my married partner, these are the things me and my partner do. And I do not see anything wrong with that. To me, initmacy is more than just lust. It also meant a certain level of bonding and understanding between 2 people in love with each other. When we walked together, when we talked to each other or even when we felt sad or happy, the occasional grasp of the arm, the arming of the shoulder or even a pat on the thigh, simply meant u wanna tell the other party, "No matter how things turn out, u have been a Dear, and I appreciate u being there for me." After the end of a long day, whether at work or vacation, a simple embrace or peck would make the day's efforts worth it. If such actions are considered excessive, then perhaps all this while, this "friend" which is me has been too excessive in the relationship.

   What I have just mentioned, these have been my point and thought of view. Given your current status, I believe you feel that these actions may be considered excessive. I met up with Joyce on sun afternoon and we spoke a lot. Or rather I spoke a lot while she listened. She wanted me to hang on and hope for the best. I admit in the midst of our relationship, there has indeed been frustrations. But there has also been plenty of joys. We may not be compatible in many ways, we may think differently. We may even feel that the other party can be unreasonable at times. But end of the day, I hope we can still work things out. If the feelings are still there, I believe we can still make it. I know a lot of things and situations, u have to consider W. I never begrudge or moan about your priorities toward her, and I respect that.

  As I promised, no staying over at your place, no intimacy and no body contact till you are comfortable or after your divorce is settled. That is my commitment to u for now. I dun know how and what u feel towards me now. Due to your status. and my situation, I know you are holding back. For now, let's just hope for the best.

  Take care Dear. And I say again. My feelings for u never changed. If you still care for me, I hope you think of me at times.

 

 

Gloomy Gloomy

 It has been 2 days since we actually talked more than 2 mins on the phone. Frankly speaking, it has been a pretty unbearable 2 days for me. Since our evening conversation on Monday, somehow we seemed to really drift apart. I really hope we are able to start talking normally to each other real soon. The night before, when I sms-ed asking if you believe the things and feelings I write in the blog. There was no reply. Till now, I have this strong feeling that perhaps things may not be working out for us anymore.

  Felt sad and down as I am writing this. I just hope that you can go back to the jovial and talkative Dear whom I have always known.

  For now, I really dun know what else I can do. I hope the set-up and format of the marketing plan can help ease some pressure off you. As for now, I feel that the sms-es I receive from u are pretty quiet too...

  As things stand, I hope u will get and feel better. My days of updating this blog should be coming to an end soon..... I will take a step back and 放手for now.... I will give u as much time as u need for now... hope to wait for u....

Perhaps sometimes love just ain't enough?

    After our conversation on the phone earlier just before 5pm, I sighed off with a heavy heart. My mind went blank for a full 10 mins or so. After that, I started to think about our whole relationship. First I started to think about the incidents for the past few days. I started to think about the things which went right and also went wrong for the past few days. Did I simply make the entire relationship so sour at this point that perhaps we are both afraid to pick up the phone and talk to each other, in case we may provoke each other unintentionallly?

  Seriously, I never wanted things to turn out this way. In the end, talking the natural way turns out to be unnatural for us. Yes probably for me, after years and years of formal english education, some spoken language may deemed to be uncouth and impolite, and probably I may be slighted offended at times, but end of the day, at least for now, I can still handle the way you speak. End of the day, I dun want this to be the barrier for us to communicate and develop further. Yes, at times due to my usual sinus and my expressionless and blank face (which can sometimes be taken as a look some may be mistaken as a foul look), I may choose to be silent at certain times when we are together.

  But that does not mean that I am angry, upset or even frustrated with u. During times like this when I am like that and u asked whether I am ok, and I sounded positive, I may have entered into my "cave" for self reflect and deep thoughts. (The cave for men is taken from the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", whereby men usually dun talk much and likes to go into their "cave" for deep thought and analysis, like when they are quiet or just keep staring at the tv, whereas women like to talk their way through to solve their problems and issues) Sometimes I also do not want u to worry too much at that time. Friday night for instance, I was feeling the effects of the flu so much that I kept sneezing away and I could barely open my eyes at times. I was quiet at times because I could feel the sneeze coming my way. I had sinus since young and at times I could be sneezing the entire day. I was hoping the sneeze do go away later in the night because when we were waiting at the bus stop, I can sense that it is making me uncomfortable. But at that point in time, I do not want to disappoint Wydia and hence I agreed to go over your place for a while. I was not unhappy because you said I cannot stay overnight at your place that night. I never hold any expectations of that anymore.

  Even on sat night, I was not unhappy or anything. I was just running fast to meet up with u and still trying to catch my breath while talking to u at Mos Burger. SOmetimes when I need to talk while catching my breath, it may not be easy for me to really talk easy when talking.

  End of the day, what I am trying to say is nobody's perfect and nobody is exactly easy to get along with. Our characters may be diverse and at times the way we talk and behave may irritate each other. But that does not mean I have stopped loving and caring for u. Differences can always be bridged. I may not say the same about u, but I believe that if there's a way, there's a will and certain accomodations can be made on my part too. I am sure u also agree that u do not exactly have a good temper and u do have your mood swings too. We all have that. I will do my part to communicate my swings and sinus to u in future.

  I really hope things will be as before. Just be yourself. I need you to be.... I still hope the feelings we had for each other will be enough to carry us through...

 

PS....

Hope you have a good weekend day for some rest....

 Miss your laughter and smile......

Tip No. 7: Appreciate for who you are, not what u can become

   These 2-3 days, we dun seemed to talk much. I believe it has more or less to do with our conversation and sms-es a few days back on me commenting on how u can be a difficult person to be with, and your language being a bit blunt at times. Perhaps due to this, I noticed that you tend to speak less and more cautious with what you say, even when u are angry being afraid to say something which may provoke me unneccessarily.

  I may have over-reacted and be slightly sensitive at times, but I still miss the usual and old u. Whatever it is, it has always been the usual u whom I have liked all this while. And the feelings still stay as always. Maybe at times, I feel that u may not be very ladylike in terms of language and behaviour, but I still like the usual u.

  Just be the natural u whom u have always been, ok Dear? I miss the u calling me about your shopping spree and whether the clothes and shoes u have seemed fit u. I miss the usual u asking if u look fat in any of your clothes. I miss the usual u who silly-laughed a lot in front of me. I dun see all that much often nowadays. Just be yourself. I know u said that before but I have never wanted u to become someone else. Sometimes we may change here and there over the years to be a better person, but definitely not to the extent of losing yourself.

  Today's church session mentioned that in a relationship, we must never let the "hate" factor get in the way of us, because it will only make it worse instead of better. I will learn to curb my anger and frustration better, and not let that get in the way of developing our relationship further.

  Take care and goodnight....