After our conversation on the phone earlier just before 5pm, I sighed off with a heavy heart. My mind went blank for a full 10 mins or so. After that, I started to think about our whole relationship. First I started to think about the incidents for the past few days. I started to think about the things which went right and also went wrong for the past few days. Did I simply make the entire relationship so sour at this point that perhaps we are both afraid to pick up the phone and talk to each other, in case we may provoke each other unintentionallly?
Seriously, I never wanted things to turn out this way. In the end, talking the natural way turns out to be unnatural for us. Yes probably for me, after years and years of formal english education, some spoken language may deemed to be uncouth and impolite, and probably I may be slighted offended at times, but end of the day, at least for now, I can still handle the way you speak. End of the day, I dun want this to be the barrier for us to communicate and develop further. Yes, at times due to my usual sinus and my expressionless and blank face (which can sometimes be taken as a look some may be mistaken as a foul look), I may choose to be silent at certain times when we are together.
But that does not mean that I am angry, upset or even frustrated with u. During times like this when I am like that and u asked whether I am ok, and I sounded positive, I may have entered into my "cave" for self reflect and deep thoughts. (The cave for men is taken from the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", whereby men usually dun talk much and likes to go into their "cave" for deep thought and analysis, like when they are quiet or just keep staring at the tv, whereas women like to talk their way through to solve their problems and issues) Sometimes I also do not want u to worry too much at that time. Friday night for instance, I was feeling the effects of the flu so much that I kept sneezing away and I could barely open my eyes at times. I was quiet at times because I could feel the sneeze coming my way. I had sinus since young and at times I could be sneezing the entire day. I was hoping the sneeze do go away later in the night because when we were waiting at the bus stop, I can sense that it is making me uncomfortable. But at that point in time, I do not want to disappoint Wydia and hence I agreed to go over your place for a while. I was not unhappy because you said I cannot stay overnight at your place that night. I never hold any expectations of that anymore.
Even on sat night, I was not unhappy or anything. I was just running fast to meet up with u and still trying to catch my breath while talking to u at Mos Burger. SOmetimes when I need to talk while catching my breath, it may not be easy for me to really talk easy when talking.
End of the day, what I am trying to say is nobody's perfect and nobody is exactly easy to get along with. Our characters may be diverse and at times the way we talk and behave may irritate each other. But that does not mean I have stopped loving and caring for u. Differences can always be bridged. I may not say the same about u, but I believe that if there's a way, there's a will and certain accomodations can be made on my part too. I am sure u also agree that u do not exactly have a good temper and u do have your mood swings too. We all have that. I will do my part to communicate my swings and sinus to u in future.
I really hope things will be as before. Just be yourself. I need you to be.... I still hope the feelings we had for each other will be enough to carry us through...
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