It has been 2 days since we actually talked more than 2 mins on the phone. Frankly speaking, it has been a pretty unbearable 2 days for me. Since our evening conversation on Monday, somehow we seemed to really drift apart. I really hope we are able to start talking normally to each other real soon. The night before, when I sms-ed asking if you believe the things and feelings I write in the blog. There was no reply. Till now, I have this strong feeling that perhaps things may not be working out for us anymore.
Felt sad and down as I am writing this. I just hope that you can go back to the jovial and talkative Dear whom I have always known.
For now, I really dun know what else I can do. I hope the set-up and format of the marketing plan can help ease some pressure off you. As for now, I feel that the sms-es I receive from u are pretty quiet too...
As things stand, I hope u will get and feel better. My days of updating this blog should be coming to an end soon..... I will take a step back and 放手for now.... I will give u as much time as u need for now... hope to wait for u....
Wednesday 17 October 2012
Monday 15 October 2012
Perhaps sometimes love just ain't enough?
After our conversation on the phone earlier just before 5pm, I sighed off with a heavy heart. My mind went blank for a full 10 mins or so. After that, I started to think about our whole relationship. First I started to think about the incidents for the past few days. I started to think about the things which went right and also went wrong for the past few days. Did I simply make the entire relationship so sour at this point that perhaps we are both afraid to pick up the phone and talk to each other, in case we may provoke each other unintentionallly?
Seriously, I never wanted things to turn out this way. In the end, talking the natural way turns out to be unnatural for us. Yes probably for me, after years and years of formal english education, some spoken language may deemed to be uncouth and impolite, and probably I may be slighted offended at times, but end of the day, at least for now, I can still handle the way you speak. End of the day, I dun want this to be the barrier for us to communicate and develop further. Yes, at times due to my usual sinus and my expressionless and blank face (which can sometimes be taken as a look some may be mistaken as a foul look), I may choose to be silent at certain times when we are together.
But that does not mean that I am angry, upset or even frustrated with u. During times like this when I am like that and u asked whether I am ok, and I sounded positive, I may have entered into my "cave" for self reflect and deep thoughts. (The cave for men is taken from the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", whereby men usually dun talk much and likes to go into their "cave" for deep thought and analysis, like when they are quiet or just keep staring at the tv, whereas women like to talk their way through to solve their problems and issues) Sometimes I also do not want u to worry too much at that time. Friday night for instance, I was feeling the effects of the flu so much that I kept sneezing away and I could barely open my eyes at times. I was quiet at times because I could feel the sneeze coming my way. I had sinus since young and at times I could be sneezing the entire day. I was hoping the sneeze do go away later in the night because when we were waiting at the bus stop, I can sense that it is making me uncomfortable. But at that point in time, I do not want to disappoint Wydia and hence I agreed to go over your place for a while. I was not unhappy because you said I cannot stay overnight at your place that night. I never hold any expectations of that anymore.
Even on sat night, I was not unhappy or anything. I was just running fast to meet up with u and still trying to catch my breath while talking to u at Mos Burger. SOmetimes when I need to talk while catching my breath, it may not be easy for me to really talk easy when talking.
End of the day, what I am trying to say is nobody's perfect and nobody is exactly easy to get along with. Our characters may be diverse and at times the way we talk and behave may irritate each other. But that does not mean I have stopped loving and caring for u. Differences can always be bridged. I may not say the same about u, but I believe that if there's a way, there's a will and certain accomodations can be made on my part too. I am sure u also agree that u do not exactly have a good temper and u do have your mood swings too. We all have that. I will do my part to communicate my swings and sinus to u in future.
I really hope things will be as before. Just be yourself. I need you to be.... I still hope the feelings we had for each other will be enough to carry us through...
Seriously, I never wanted things to turn out this way. In the end, talking the natural way turns out to be unnatural for us. Yes probably for me, after years and years of formal english education, some spoken language may deemed to be uncouth and impolite, and probably I may be slighted offended at times, but end of the day, at least for now, I can still handle the way you speak. End of the day, I dun want this to be the barrier for us to communicate and develop further. Yes, at times due to my usual sinus and my expressionless and blank face (which can sometimes be taken as a look some may be mistaken as a foul look), I may choose to be silent at certain times when we are together.
But that does not mean that I am angry, upset or even frustrated with u. During times like this when I am like that and u asked whether I am ok, and I sounded positive, I may have entered into my "cave" for self reflect and deep thoughts. (The cave for men is taken from the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", whereby men usually dun talk much and likes to go into their "cave" for deep thought and analysis, like when they are quiet or just keep staring at the tv, whereas women like to talk their way through to solve their problems and issues) Sometimes I also do not want u to worry too much at that time. Friday night for instance, I was feeling the effects of the flu so much that I kept sneezing away and I could barely open my eyes at times. I was quiet at times because I could feel the sneeze coming my way. I had sinus since young and at times I could be sneezing the entire day. I was hoping the sneeze do go away later in the night because when we were waiting at the bus stop, I can sense that it is making me uncomfortable. But at that point in time, I do not want to disappoint Wydia and hence I agreed to go over your place for a while. I was not unhappy because you said I cannot stay overnight at your place that night. I never hold any expectations of that anymore.
Even on sat night, I was not unhappy or anything. I was just running fast to meet up with u and still trying to catch my breath while talking to u at Mos Burger. SOmetimes when I need to talk while catching my breath, it may not be easy for me to really talk easy when talking.
End of the day, what I am trying to say is nobody's perfect and nobody is exactly easy to get along with. Our characters may be diverse and at times the way we talk and behave may irritate each other. But that does not mean I have stopped loving and caring for u. Differences can always be bridged. I may not say the same about u, but I believe that if there's a way, there's a will and certain accomodations can be made on my part too. I am sure u also agree that u do not exactly have a good temper and u do have your mood swings too. We all have that. I will do my part to communicate my swings and sinus to u in future.
I really hope things will be as before. Just be yourself. I need you to be.... I still hope the feelings we had for each other will be enough to carry us through...
Sunday 14 October 2012
Tip No. 7: Appreciate for who you are, not what u can become
These 2-3 days, we dun seemed to talk much. I believe it has more or less to do with our conversation and sms-es a few days back on me commenting on how u can be a difficult person to be with, and your language being a bit blunt at times. Perhaps due to this, I noticed that you tend to speak less and more cautious with what you say, even when u are angry being afraid to say something which may provoke me unneccessarily.
I may have over-reacted and be slightly sensitive at times, but I still miss the usual and old u. Whatever it is, it has always been the usual u whom I have liked all this while. And the feelings still stay as always. Maybe at times, I feel that u may not be very ladylike in terms of language and behaviour, but I still like the usual u.
Just be the natural u whom u have always been, ok Dear? I miss the u calling me about your shopping spree and whether the clothes and shoes u have seemed fit u. I miss the usual u asking if u look fat in any of your clothes. I miss the usual u who silly-laughed a lot in front of me. I dun see all that much often nowadays. Just be yourself. I know u said that before but I have never wanted u to become someone else. Sometimes we may change here and there over the years to be a better person, but definitely not to the extent of losing yourself.
Today's church session mentioned that in a relationship, we must never let the "hate" factor get in the way of us, because it will only make it worse instead of better. I will learn to curb my anger and frustration better, and not let that get in the way of developing our relationship further.
Take care and goodnight....
I may have over-reacted and be slightly sensitive at times, but I still miss the usual and old u. Whatever it is, it has always been the usual u whom I have liked all this while. And the feelings still stay as always. Maybe at times, I feel that u may not be very ladylike in terms of language and behaviour, but I still like the usual u.
Just be the natural u whom u have always been, ok Dear? I miss the u calling me about your shopping spree and whether the clothes and shoes u have seemed fit u. I miss the usual u asking if u look fat in any of your clothes. I miss the usual u who silly-laughed a lot in front of me. I dun see all that much often nowadays. Just be yourself. I know u said that before but I have never wanted u to become someone else. Sometimes we may change here and there over the years to be a better person, but definitely not to the extent of losing yourself.
Today's church session mentioned that in a relationship, we must never let the "hate" factor get in the way of us, because it will only make it worse instead of better. I will learn to curb my anger and frustration better, and not let that get in the way of developing our relationship further.
Take care and goodnight....
Thursday 11 October 2012
PS I Appreciate U
Writing the blog so far makes me realise that I do appreciate u, and the times we always spend together. Even though I hardly know if you ever read my blog (other than the view clicks I see on the main page), I believe for now it is good enough....
Thanks for the memories......
Thanks for the memories......
Tip No. 6: Basic Security
Despite all the differences in personality and character, we still remained very much as friends. Or are we? The intensity, the intimacy and the times spent with each other, whether via meet-ups or phone, far surpasses what I define as a friend. So what is holding us back other than the marital status? Taking a reality check, it simply boils down to financial security.
At my age, and with all the vast educational and working background, unfortunately I could not provide my loved one with something as basic as financial security. At this moment, I should indeed be ashamed of myself. Every one should be entitled to a shot at love, but if I cannot provide my loved one with financial security, can this love even last? I understand her concerns, and despite me giving myself reasons and explainations, I should stand up and do my part. That should be the least I can do.
At this point it will be wrong of me to ask for any commitment from you. I will do my part. When I am ready, I hope you are still there for me. I hope I can be ready within a year itself....
PS Appreciate your time and effort in coming to the blog and search for updates.... verbally u may not be a romantic person but I know u care....
At my age, and with all the vast educational and working background, unfortunately I could not provide my loved one with something as basic as financial security. At this moment, I should indeed be ashamed of myself. Every one should be entitled to a shot at love, but if I cannot provide my loved one with financial security, can this love even last? I understand her concerns, and despite me giving myself reasons and explainations, I should stand up and do my part. That should be the least I can do.
At this point it will be wrong of me to ask for any commitment from you. I will do my part. When I am ready, I hope you are still there for me. I hope I can be ready within a year itself....
PS Appreciate your time and effort in coming to the blog and search for updates.... verbally u may not be a romantic person but I know u care....
Thursday 4 October 2012
Tip No. 5: Love and Trust Without Prejudice
It has been a while since I update my blog. And perhaps the blog today is written with a slight heavy heart. Prejudice can take on different styles, ranging from belittling people based on their racial and colour status. Because of things which we may not like to hear or see, we tend to look at certain events and issues with prejudice. Being pure human beings, I believe every one of us have a certain level of prejudice in our hearts. Facing the one u love, are we able to put aside our prejudice for events that have already happened, discussed and hence forget and forgive? Forgiving may be a Yes, but many a times unless we have anaesia, forgetting may be a tad hard to do.
I am no saint myself, and perhaps many a times, I may have committed an act or action which may seemed playful and innocent at that time. But at this point in time, I believe the "If I spare time for Sharon, I can spare time for u" sms will perhaps be a permanent blemish in the relationship. I may have said this a thousand times, but given her character and temperament, I dun believe she will forget and forgive. Are there things I can do to remedy this, I often ask her as well. Perhaps to put it in another way, is your heart big enough to put it aside and perhaps gradually able to forgive?
Many a times, I hope for things to work out between us. Many a times, we may think differently and even have different priorities in life. But does that mean that we cannot try to accomodate each other and minimise the weaknesses and magnify the strengths instead?
I had a huge quarrel with mum again 2 nights ago. Many a time, the talk ratio is usually 80:20 in my mum's favour. My dad often tell me never to talk back to my mum, no matter how unreasonable she is. But I never understand why my mum always like to dig out Sara and pitpoint my failure with her, even though we have been seperated for almost 5 years. My mum smashed the broom into 2 that night and vented her full anger at me when I berated her for having a low EQ and always digging out the Sara issue again. My dad was not at home at that time, and I went out for some time alone that night. During this time when my dad was back, he heard and understood the details of the quarrel with my mum, and perhaps from an old man's point of view, he told my mum that I may have my mistakes and issues, but who does not? But if u really love this son, the past should not be always brought up to magnify his failure, and instead embrace him for his continuing efforts to make things right this time.
The reason why I bring up this quarrel incident is because I feel that it is closely related to that stigma that is in your heart right now. The Eugene u know is trying his best to make things work for us, and also barring himself from any contact whatsoever with Eye. And assuming he has a decent level of EQ and IQ, knowing how close u are with Eye, there is no reason for me to get into anything deeper with her, and no reason for the classical "shit in your own backyard".
I say all this again not to defend myself, which I already try to reason a couple of times. Right now I can only treat you as normal with a subtle heart. All along I never wanted to jeopardise anything between us and my opinions and views still stand. Eye will never be the reason why we may have to break up eventually because if she really is, I guess it will be one of my deepest regrets. To me, u are definitely worth more than that.....
It does take time I understand. But I hope end of the day, we are able to love and trust without prejudice. Yes I may love to look and see. Yes I do admire some other gals at times. But right now, I know exactly where my heart stands, and it has always been with u....
I am no saint myself, and perhaps many a times, I may have committed an act or action which may seemed playful and innocent at that time. But at this point in time, I believe the "If I spare time for Sharon, I can spare time for u" sms will perhaps be a permanent blemish in the relationship. I may have said this a thousand times, but given her character and temperament, I dun believe she will forget and forgive. Are there things I can do to remedy this, I often ask her as well. Perhaps to put it in another way, is your heart big enough to put it aside and perhaps gradually able to forgive?
Many a times, I hope for things to work out between us. Many a times, we may think differently and even have different priorities in life. But does that mean that we cannot try to accomodate each other and minimise the weaknesses and magnify the strengths instead?
I had a huge quarrel with mum again 2 nights ago. Many a time, the talk ratio is usually 80:20 in my mum's favour. My dad often tell me never to talk back to my mum, no matter how unreasonable she is. But I never understand why my mum always like to dig out Sara and pitpoint my failure with her, even though we have been seperated for almost 5 years. My mum smashed the broom into 2 that night and vented her full anger at me when I berated her for having a low EQ and always digging out the Sara issue again. My dad was not at home at that time, and I went out for some time alone that night. During this time when my dad was back, he heard and understood the details of the quarrel with my mum, and perhaps from an old man's point of view, he told my mum that I may have my mistakes and issues, but who does not? But if u really love this son, the past should not be always brought up to magnify his failure, and instead embrace him for his continuing efforts to make things right this time.
The reason why I bring up this quarrel incident is because I feel that it is closely related to that stigma that is in your heart right now. The Eugene u know is trying his best to make things work for us, and also barring himself from any contact whatsoever with Eye. And assuming he has a decent level of EQ and IQ, knowing how close u are with Eye, there is no reason for me to get into anything deeper with her, and no reason for the classical "shit in your own backyard".
I say all this again not to defend myself, which I already try to reason a couple of times. Right now I can only treat you as normal with a subtle heart. All along I never wanted to jeopardise anything between us and my opinions and views still stand. Eye will never be the reason why we may have to break up eventually because if she really is, I guess it will be one of my deepest regrets. To me, u are definitely worth more than that.....
It does take time I understand. But I hope end of the day, we are able to love and trust without prejudice. Yes I may love to look and see. Yes I do admire some other gals at times. But right now, I know exactly where my heart stands, and it has always been with u....
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